So last week I had a week off from my full-time job and only one shift in my part-time job. This should have meant a relaxing week off right? Think again! This week consisted of flat pack building, hair cutting, car servicing, house cleaning, clothes organising, wedding notice meetings and a 600 mile round trip. Throw in attempting to catch up with a few friends and you have a week of madness. I almost looked forward to going back to work!
The week started with flat pack building! A wardrobe and chest of draws from Argos. For the last 6 months I have had a fabric wardrobe that suffered from major subsidence leaving me a floordrobe! I decided to set about putting my new wardrobe together on my own and with no tools. Being an inventive soul I used a knife as a screwdriver and tin of peas as a hammer! This proved very successful! The only thing I could not do was hang the doors on my own! But I am still the flat pack queen, who says only men can do DIY! However my tin of peas did not stand up to the test of being a hammer so I have invested in a few tools for my next DIY mission!!
At the weekend we went up to Loughborough to visit Rich’s family as it was his dads 60th birthday. Normally the journey for me is fine. It can be very boring as it is 3 hours on the same stretch of motorway but Richs singing keeps me very entertained. This time however it was a journey I was dreading. With Rich still not having a driving licence it fell on me to be the one to drive. Normally not a problem at all. But a 3 hour journey on tablets that make you stupidly drowsy is not a good idea! So I opted for skipping my tablets. Facing a weekend in pain seemed like a better idea than falling asleep while driving on the motorway! Safe to say by the time we got to Loughborough I was in agony! This is something I am used to tho so smiling through the pain I got ready and we headed to the pub for Richs dads birthday party. It was a great night! It’s always lovely to see the in-laws! They are just great! Very warm and welcoming and funny! After a good night we got back to the hotel I was looking forward to getting in bed and resting my back. But could I sleep…..of course not. It seemed by brain went hey no sleeping pills to force us to sleep! lets take advantage of that and stay up all night long! It was hideous! And driving back to Taunton the next day was just horrendous! In pure agony and exhausted I rolled into our flat took my meds and passed out! I did really enjoy the weekend but physically it was bloody hard work!
I had my first day back at work yesterday which went really well and was actually a really good laugh! And to top it off I was in considerably less pain than normal! Today I had the day off and had the worse pain day I have had in very long time! With Rich at work I felt very alone. I found myself crying into my cup of tea at 9am seriously fed up with the amount of pain! When other people are around putting a front on and acting as though everything is ok is fairly easy! But the second I am alone everything ive been hiding from others hits me like a tonne of bricks. My friends have been brilliant recently. Always sending messages asking how your feeling ect but I know they will never understand how exhausting mentally and physically it is to be in constant pain. I am still having people tell me “it will be ok they will fix you soon”. And I just feel like screaming at them. Because it will not be ok, they will not find a magic cure for my chronic back pain. It is something I have to deal with. I can be in a room of 100 people and still feel alone. In my own personal hell of pain, misery and depression. Most days I manage to find a goal to focus on like getting married or buying a house. This keeps me focusing and moving forward. However on bad pain days it is impossible to look forward to anything. I dread waking up the next day and still being in pain. But its something I know is going to happen and I have to face. Some days it’s a lot easier to be strong than others. And the days I cant pretend to be strong I am just a misery. I have spent the majority of the day lying on the sofa in to much pain to move contemplating how the rest of my pain cloaked existence will play out. All in all not the best day!
Lets hope the next few days improve!!