One step forward 20 million steps back!

Having not written since August its safe to presume everything is going reasonably well. The back pain whilst annoyingly constant has been bearable. A combination of working hard at my physio exercises and keeping more active thanks to my lovely puppy dog has been keeping the pain to a steady limit. Don’t get me wrong I still wake up every day in a lot of pain, whether I’ve learnt to live with it and ignore it or it has genuinely improved I have been a lot happier these past few months. Even contemplating getting back on a horse and training to go back to my proper job. Up until Sunday anyway when the latest fun and games started and my hopes and dreams where yet again flushed away!

So I wake up, do my stretches take the dog for a walk as per normal in pain but a low-level. Sit on the sofa and enjoying a cup of tea and boom! The biggest back spam and cramp I have ever had! Persistent agony soon followed so intense it made be physically sick and no amount of codeine would touch the pain! Its horrific! Being the pure idiot that I am after only getting an hour of sleep off I went to work on Monday morning. Safe to say I was home again by 3. This is the first time my back pain has stopped me at work. Already losing one career because of the pain, this scares the life out of me I will not lose this job too!

So with all this obviously a trip to the Drs was in order. I don’t know why I do it but I always do. I go to the doctors full of hope that they will turn around and say they have a magic cure or a back transplant I can have. Obviously this never happens. In his own words “there’s nothing we can do. You just have to live with it and what exactly where you expecting to get out of coming here”. Well I don’t know genius maybe some f***ing help!? Oh and I can sign myself off for a week if I want. Well cheers love that’s going to help with the next 40 years of my life being in agony. Leaving the doctors and picking up prescription to add insult to injury i bump into Kevin.  Now Kevin is a waiting room regular. While i pay for my prescriptions for my drugs so i can drag my ass to work to pay my taxes, lovely kevin can have his methodone on the house. This makes me so angry!!

So yet again back to square one. In enough pain to make me vomit. With no help from any medical professional. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Not sure how I can go on. This journey has already lasted 3 years and looking at facing the rest of my life in pain fills me with dread and anger. To be perfectly honest I’m not sure i can do it. I should be looking to my future with joy. But instead i go to bed dreading how much pain i might be in when i wake up.

Planning anything seems impossible. I’m at that age where i am starting to think about kids. As much as i joke about having puppies not babies i would love to have my own little chunky monkey. But the very thought of being pregnant terrifies me. God knows how much pain i will be in and i wont be able to take any of my pain killers. I know Rich would love a baby (as much as he also pretends he wouldn’t). The feeling that i may not be able to give him this is horrible. All i want to do is make him happy and i feel totally unable to.

 

Pretending to be OK all the time is exhausting. I pretend mostly for myself. If i can convince myself that I’m alright and I’m feeling better then maybe one day it would be true. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. So ill stay inside my little pain bubble, smiling to the world, crying on the inside and trying to figure out how to muddle through.

For now though I’m official done. How I’m going to cope with this forever i don’t know.

It is defiantly back pain 1 pathetic loser 0 this week.

xxx

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