So I haven’t written in a while! The main reason for this being I have been feeling alright! I only ever write for myself, I am useless at talking to people and expressing how I feel. My go to is to battle on and pretend I’m ok and let everything just build up inside. I only write when I can no longer bottle things up and need to get everything off my chest. If no one reads this is does not matter to me! Getting everything out of my head does me the world of good! And as I’m in the middle of a mini break down now seems like a good time to get writing again! A lot has happened in the last few months so where to begin….
Since I last wrote I have been referred to a physiotherapist at the hospital! My initial reaction was amazing! I was full of hope that this would make a difference. That maybe I would begin feeling better and go back to my proper job working with horses. initially the sessions where making a small difference which filled me with hope! Hope is a dangerous thing! When you lose it the crash back to reality is painful to say the least!
The physio sessions have been happening every other week. I have now been going to physio for 6 months. And can safely say I’m in as much pain if not more than I was at the start. I’ve been doing all the exercises I’ve been set as often as I physically can praying that one morning I will wake up pain-free. Safe to say that has not happened! And the doctors still continue to fob me off at every visit convinced the physio will find the answer. “Find a new job” “find time to rest and relax” “just take it easy”. If I have to hear a medical professional say this to me again I may punch them in the face! I’m sure that all sounds great from their 9 to 5 job at their nice comfy desk and great salary. Unfortunately in the real world it does not work like this!
The pain is becoming unbearable. Even the most simple of tasks are exhausting. I spend all day exhausted and all night staring at the walls trying to get comfy enough to sleep. The lack of energy is seriously doing my head in! I have hardly any social life at the moment. Even the thought of leaving the house on my day off fills me with dread. What if I do go out with my friends for a drink and there’s no where for me to sit. What if I’m in the middle of asda and I get a spasm in my back so bad I can hardly walk. This has left to becoming somewhat of a recluse. Leaving my house to go to work and any other essential trips. I used to meet up with my friends at least once a week. These days I’m lucky if it’s once a month. I’ve found myself becoming a rather miserable old bag!
Another very major thing that has happened since I last wrote is that I got married to the most amazing man in the world. The build up to the wedding provided a fantastic distraction from the pain and a motivation to get up, go out and sort wedding stuff out! Rich is amazing! He always manages to make me smile while I’m bawling my eyes out because of the pain I’m in! Why he has tied himself to this cripple I will never know! The fact he has however scares the life out of me! He deserves so much more than a crocked wife! I’m always thinking about our future wondering what if my backs to bad to have kids and how long will it be until he has to push me around in a wheelchair. I know he knew all this before he married me. But I can’t help thinking he deserves so much more than miserable crippled me! At the moment our work schedules are very conflicting which is leaving me feeling very miserable and lonely! More often than not we will go days without seeing each other! I get home from work and he’s in bed ready for his 4am start. I get up he’s already left for work and this cycle goes on for days at a time. I miss him. After a bad pain day all I want is a cuddle with the man I love (I know I’m a pathetic soppy marshmallow), but often I find myself sat on my own in the evenings feeling exceptionally miserable which is not doing my mental health any good at all! I’m not suggesting he got another job and I never would. Despite the slightly unsociable hours he enjoys his job and I would never ask him to give it up for me! But perhaps its time I got some company. The four legged variety with a waggy tail may just cut it!
Work continues to be a struggle. But I must work I’m not a secret millionaire so I will have to battle through. The most irritating thing at work is to hear “don’t let her do that because of her back” “ill do this you rest your back”. While I’m at work I want to be treated like everyone else! The day I feel as though I cannot do my job properly I will leave. Hearing things like that is just a constant reminder of your pain. And it makes me so bloody miserable. So until I look up and say I’ve had enough please treat me like anyone else. Don’t get me wrong I have bad days where I find tasks at work harder than I normally wold. But unless I say its too much just let me battle on.
So as you have gathered by now I’m having a pretty tough week! The pain at the moment is unbearable. I dread waking up in pain and having to drag my ass to work. Where I go from here I’m not sure but something defiantly has to change soon!